Dancing With the Stars Boots Mike Catherwood: "I Was Essentially Flogged by Words"

That Psycho Mike Catherwood is a good egg. Can't dance a lick, but nice fellow.

This season's first eliminee from Dancing With the Stars told us exclusively that his big regret is putting partner Lacey Schwimmer out of work. He said, "I'm not a dancer, I get to go back to my regular job—this is her job, dancing's her life, her livelihood...Everybody's yelling at Obama: What are you going to do about jobs? Look at me! I'm losing people's jobs left and right. And with a big smile on my face."

So who verbally flogged the poor clumsy radio host on his way out the DWTS door? Plus, who did the deejay see naked during his time on the show?

Mike told us, in jest, of course: "I feel terrible, I was publicly embarrassed, I was essentially flogged by words. It's insulting to me as someone who is a broadcaster that people laugh at everything Bruno [Tonioli] says simply because he has a wacky accent. And I haven't been able to develop a wacky accent, and no one laughs at what I say, and that hurts. That hurts even more than getting low scores on Dancing With the Stars. And let me tell you this: Although my ego took a tremendous bruise by being eliminated on the very first elimination and by getting the lowest aggregate scores, I, Michael Dwight Catherwood, am very happy that I was involved in this experience, because I got to, first and foremost, meet Lacey Schwimmer, and develop a friendship and relationship with young Lacey...I've developed a lot of great friendships. This has been overwhelmingly positive in the face of my horrendous embarrassment."

Oh, and that's not all. To hear Mike tell it, he had quite a few adventures during his time on DWTS that made his experience worthwhile: "I got to see Cheryl Burke naked, I got to make sweet love to Petra Nemcova, I got to do Wendy Williams' hair, and I pumice-stoned Chris Jericho's bunions." (Lacey's take on this testimony? "He's lying...and again, lying.")

So what inspired him to bust out those sweet improvised moves at the last minute? Mike explains, "Truth be told, I had a meeting with the executives behind Dancing With the Stars and I was told, you've got to keep those under wraps. You've got to handcuff your special sexual moves, because they're too hot for TV. Modern technology literally hasn't invented cameras capable of capturing that on TV. You will burn people to death in the crowd, you're going to singe lenses. It's like watching porn in high-def. It's too clear."

Did Mike's farewell dance indeed burn your retinas? Who do think will be eliminated next week?